Four Dimensions of Relationships
In Positive Psychotherapy, there is a wonderful concept that has been incredibly helpful for me in expanding the range of my usual coping mechanisms — actions that help manage stress.
To clarify, Positive Psychotherapy has nothing to do with the idea of “think positively and positive things will happen.” Instead, it derives from the Latin word positum, meaning “what is present.” This approach emphasizes working with what exists here and now, rather than dwelling excessively on past grievances (though this can have its place) or being paralyzed by fear of the future (which is especially challenging right now).
The task of a specialist practicing Positive Psychotherapy is to help clients focus on their strengths, supportive events, and relationships in the present moment and build upon them.
The framework of four dimensions of relationships is one of the approaches used to analyze a person’s basic conflict with themselves and the world. Without diving too deeply into the differences between basic and current conflicts (that’s a topic for another post), I’ll share the four dimensions. I’m confident they can help you reflect on what you can do today to support yourself and your loved ones, and what you can comfortably let go of.
The Four Dimensions of Relationships.
1. Self: Your relationship with yourself.
This includes your perception of who you are. A useful tool here is the Johari Window: How do you perceive yourself? Do you criticize yourself or, on the contrary, praise and respect yourself?I once read a vivid metaphor about the role of conscience in our lives: for some, it sits on a throne in the middle of their consciousness, occasionally rattling torture devices. For others, it hides quietly in the corner. The Self category is about valuing and maintaining your sense of self-worth.
2. You: Your relationship with close partners.
This encompasses patterns formed by the influence of parents and significant adults who shaped your personality. How do you perceive your partner and close ones? What behavior patterns do you exhibit in these relationships?
3. We: Your relationship with society.
This is about how you view the world around you. What beliefs guide your decisions? Do you see the world as a safe and trustworthy place, or as hostile, where you must constantly defend yourself — or even attack?
4. Meta-We: Your relationship with worldview and heritage.
This refers to the philosophy, traditions, and values rooted in your family history and lineage. What serves as the “religion” of your family? What are its core values, and how do they shape your life’s purpose?
How This Helps Expand Coping Strategies?
When applied as a framework for coping, these dimensions become a powerful tool.
Here’s how I use it:
First, I reflected on the model, mapping out where my energy is focused, much like creating a balance wheel.
Then, I asked myself: “Where is most of my energy currently concentrated in dealing with stress?”
Each day, I mentally hold this model in my mind and run my actions through the lens of these four categories:
Self: Since I naturally focus a lot on myself (though my therapist doesn’t think it’s excessive), I quickly noticed that most of my coping mechanisms are clustered in this area—sometimes even overcrowded. When we arrived in Poland, I consciously immersed myself in my thoughts and feelings during the first weeks. I needed to compartmentalize my positum or at least create an additional mental “Apocalypse Storage” to file away all the chaos.
Whenever I’m tempted to fall back into familiar habits like scrolling news, smoking, or eating candy, I ask myself:“How much will this action support and heal me?”. The word “heal” is crucial here. Because today,
I have countless reasons to destroy myself but so few to heal myself.
The same principle applies to the other categories:
You: “How much will this action support and heal my relationships with my family and loved ones?” If I do this now, how will it affect my children? What image of me will it reinforce in their minds? Will it support or harm them?
We: “How much will this action support and heal my connection to my country or the place where I currently live, both physically and mentally?” Would it be better to donate this amount to the Armed Forces of Ukraine or write a useful post instead of indulging in this coping mechanism?
Meta-We: “How much will this action support and heal my worldview and life philosophy?” How will it affect my future and the legacy I pass down to my children? They are watching me now, embedding these paradigms into their DNA.
My Reflection.
It’s been a month and a half since we arrived in Poland. I haven’t seen my home, my city, or my country for so long.
I’ve had countless reasons to fall apart. But every day, step by step, I choose to build something new with the positum I have. Each day, it gets a little easier. Bit by bit, I start to feel like myself again, letting go of the “cyborg” who tirelessly and fiercely drove us to Warsaw. That cyborg, having completed its mission, spent a week sleeping, a week drinking, and still flinches when it sees its reflection in the mirror.
April 26, 2022.