Trainer in Black. 4

Fail #4

On Choosing co-trainers

There’s a hypothesis that love alone is not enough for a successful marriage. Gary Chapman even wrote a book about it. Perhaps, without realizing it, I tested this hypothesis on myself, having experienced two successful marriages and two amazing divorces. In both cases, I relied on the notion, “Love will fix everything.”

But love, no matter how beautiful, cannot be considered in isolation from the context, the personalities of both people, and the constantly changing circumstances. Like any other process or phenomenon, love is just one brushstroke on the vast canvas of life.

And just as it’s not enough in a marriage to “just love each other,” it’s also not enough in training to merely like each other or be top-notch professionals when working as co-trainers.

Continuing this loud parallel, I can assert that conducting a learning program together isn’t just reconnaissance or a trip — it’s a true, albeit temporary, marriage.

And it’s not concluded based solely on love, but on a carefully crafted and reliable marriage contract, where every detail is laid out.

After all, if one trainer is freezing with the window open and the other can’t live without fresh air, there’s a risk that, during one of the activities, the trainers will engage in a fierce argument, passionately weighing the pros and cons of proper air circulation in the room, forgetting about the group. Not to mention that if one trainer is an early bird and the other a night owl, the entire program might be doomed right from the start, no matter how funny or absurd that might sound.

And of course, I have a story about this.

A few years ago, I started a large international leadership learning project. Since the program was conceptual and multi-module, one of the conditions was that it should be run by not one, but two trainers. I decided to invite a former colleague to co-train with me.

Nuance 1. Her hard skills were excellent — she was a great facilitator and a brilliant professional in management — but her soft skills were quite ambiguous. Sometimes, she was toxic in communication, loved gossiping, and, on occasion, engaged in intrigues. I turned a blind eye to this, thinking it was a temporary project and wouldn’t affect anything (hello, naivety).

Nuance 2. This person knew some details of my personal life. I didn’t worry about it. After all, we were working on a project, so personal matters were off-limits (hello, double naivety).

So, we started working together, and one day, during a break in the session, a participant came up to me and carefully expressed concern.

She said it seemed strange to her that my co-trainer, whom I invited to partner with me, was discussing my personal life behind my back during the breaks. She proceeded to list things that no one in the group could possibly know. The participant advised me to be more careful with choosing partners for future projects.

Hmm... good, wise advice.

I think everyone is familiar with the Kübler-Ross stages of grief after 2020, but at that moment, I experienced all of them in one go.

It was really hard to collect myself in such a situation, let alone continue the collaboration.

When trust is broken, it always hurts, aches, and scratches at the heart.

It was especially tough because it made me feel guilty and realize that even at 40, I still didn’t know how to read people.

But the most important thing was that the client should not be affected by the situation.

So, we finished the cycle of sessions with this co-trainer (which took six months), which helped me improve my ability to work in challenging conditions, handle my emotions (a never-ending story), and keep a poker face despite everything.

It took a lot of effort on my part because I’m an emotional person whose feelings are usually written all over my face (now they call it "a face with subtitles").

But this time, I managed to keep it together.

After that, we didn’t work together again because…

Tip #4. It’s not only about your skills as a expert, but also about the ethical side of your personality.

Thankfully, integrity hasn’t gone out of fashion. So, when choosing a co-trainer, it’s crucial to be extra cautious and not make any internal compromises.

December 28, 2020.